*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”