Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I was up all night reading about insomnia
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.