I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My Guy
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Tastes like chicken.