*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
im all 3
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years