X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
best review i’ve ever seen
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of