Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo