What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Owl Sanctuary
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
my first dose meeting my second
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor