Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.