If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
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