I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.