One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Bike is short for Bichael.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs