I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys