Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
they finally got him. they got macavity
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
marvel comics have peaked
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Yoga Matt
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.