Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*Inspirational Tweets*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I have many caverns
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago