HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again