Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
bout dat hot dog summer
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.