why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
yeah not falling for this one
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.