Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
is this meant to deter me
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Lmbo
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.