#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
i smell a pulitzer
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?