hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You Might Also Like
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned