I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
This guy’s not having it 😆
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”