I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.