I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
pls suprot
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.