My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Still my favourite meme.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.