WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]