I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
But that’s none of my business
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
So inspired right now.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?