People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You Might Also Like
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Love is in the air fryer.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?