I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Vodka burrito was a success
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.