I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you