Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
A leaf blower, but for people.