glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly