“Great, now I have to pee.”
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Happy Star Wars day!
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
#math
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Plant care tips
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.