Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!