I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.