WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
President The Rock Obama
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.