When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’m confused about plants
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.