I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.