I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: