Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.