Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
What
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Sex so good you see dead people.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.