What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
That took me a moment.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.