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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I am a gravy boat captain
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.