ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”