A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”