I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.