My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning