If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
new wife guy just dropped
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.