him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.