Probably my best painting.
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me when my alarm goes off
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym