I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Great game to play with friends
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
She: I like Cats
He:
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
ouch
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.